Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
