i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize