Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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