The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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