why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
