I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
