Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
