my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She told me I should be a condom model.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
