my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
