I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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