I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
