I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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