can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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