2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize