he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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