Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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