If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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