but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
