so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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