Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
