Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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