I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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