You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
