My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
