I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
