If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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