I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
