i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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