Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
