so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
