so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize