I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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