I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
