Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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