Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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