hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
being pregnant is like rehab
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
