Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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