I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
