apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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