We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
