A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
