How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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