i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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