u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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