we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
