I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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