Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
