I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
