Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
