Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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