I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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