she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
