I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
