I wish I could punch you in the face.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
