I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
