I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
