I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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