i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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