just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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