just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
