then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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