12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
