i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
