Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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