is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
