I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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