i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
