Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
