where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
