Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
