On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
