I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
