I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
