Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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