I want to walk on stilts...naked
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
