I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
