if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
