trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
