did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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