Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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