Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
